“If an ordinary person is silent, it may be a tactical
maneuver. If a writer is silent, he is lying.”
Jaroslav Seifert
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your story. If
people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
Anne
Lamott
I found writing memoir to be a long and difficult
process. First of all, you have to live the life in order to write about it. That
takes time in the most literal sense. The consequences of actions play out over
many years, even decades. The ability to look back and reflect on life experiences
is one of the most valuable aspects of memoir.
My memoir is essentially about the 35 years that a serious
chronic illness disrupted my life and my family, and the concurrent 30 years that
raising an adopted child with serious mental health problems affected all of us
for better and for worse. Either topic offers rich material for reflection; together
they often feel overwhelming.
Reliving painful experiences is no less painful than the
original incidents; it’s just a different kind of pain. Sometimes I couldn’t
face the work for weeks or months at a time. Sometimes I wept while writing.
And sometimes I laughed out loud, remembering joyful or hilarious moments.
In 1994, I attended the Bread Loaf Writers’ Conference, a
very august, 100-year-old gathering of writers held in Middlebury Vermont each
summer. We were newly adoptive parents to our youngest child at the time and
did not yet appreciate the difficulties that lay ahead for us.
Someone at Bread Loaf, who heard the unusual story of how
she came into our life, very excitedly told me I had to write a book about it.
I thought that might be a good idea and I tinkered with it for a bit, but
ultimately realized that there wasn’t going to be that much I could say about
the experience until we actually experienced more of our life as this newly
constructed family.
I put the idea away and spent many years writing essays
about life as we lived it. I also filled journal after journal with my thoughts
and ideas. Ultimately, 15 years or so down the line, my essays and thoughts
began to take the shape of a coherent story about our life. That’s when I
started writing my memoir in earnest.
There are many phases of writing a book: concept, draft,
revision, more revision, and even more revision. I’ve worked with structural
editors and developmental editors. I’ve had chapters read and critiqued by
other writers over many years. I feel sometimes like I’ve written ten books!
The day comes when you can’t do any more revising. Maybe, you just can’t face
any more revising. Nevertheless, it’s time to make your manuscript a book.
That’s where I am. My manuscript is begging to be a book.
And, actually, people are asking me where to buy it. I wish I had the answer to
that question. Selling or publishing a book is a whole different thing from
writing it. And writing it doesn’t prepare you to sell it.
If anyone has thoughts about this, I’d welcome them.
Ciao
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