Thursday, March 17, 2005

Homicide, Suicide or Natural Causes

I haven't written for quite a while. I was depressed. For one thing, it didn't seem as if anyone was even reading my blog and I threw myself a lovely pity party to celebrate that fact. For another thing, I had a huge fight with my husband of 28 years, who is my best friend, and it just left me unable to cheer up and get on with things.

Marital Fighting Aside: We bicker sometimes, but we don't usually have serious disagreements. We have been married so long that we know the outcome of most disagreements and either avoid the topic, agree to disagree or no longer give a rip about things that seemed monumental when we were younger. This is one of the nice, comforting realities in a long established marriage. It is funny to think now of some of the "issues" that almost tore us apart in earlier years because they are not significant in the greater scheme of things. When we married (after both having had failed marriages) we made a pact:
Homicide, suicide or natural causes, there's no way out except a pine box. It has worked well for us and, I think, would be worth considering by younger couples who think they cannot stay married one minute longer because of disagreements about money, politics, child-rearing or whatever. All those things eventually sort themselves out despite your best (or worst) efforts, after all.

So we had this fight. Totally unexpected. Knocked me for an emotional loop. And took three miserable weeks to sort out. It is very miserable to be mad at someone who you are used to being very affectionate with. Sometimes, we would ALMOST forget we were mad at each other and have a tender moment. That's pretty funny in hindsight. Hell, that was pretty funny when it happened. Fortunately, we still have a child at home and managing her life's little details required us to communicate with each other. Eventually, we had a (dreaded by men)
TALK, which did not clear things up immediately, but did make clearing things up easier the next day.
I am happy to say that we are happy again.

While I as in this state of depression, I began to question my spiritual resources. It seemed as if I could not find any solace and that I had no spiritual guidance to turn to. In the past, I have felt a deep connection to earth-based spirituality. (Yes, I am a Pagan.) But that connection has been disconnected in recent years. Oddly, I go to church but don't think of church as a spiritual resource. It is actually a social and intellectual resource for me. But in my demoralized wanderings, I came across an essay on the effects of prayer and positive language on water crystals. I had seen this essay in print, but lost it. Thanks to the someone who e-mailed me a copy in my time of need - especially because the photographs were much better than in the print edition I saw. In this article, it said that the two words which had the most profound effect on the qualities of water crystals were love and gratitude.

So I, in my disconnected despondency, decided to just say the words to myself whether I believed them or not. When I went to bed, I would say "Love and gratitude, love and gratitude" until I fell asleep. If I was going about my daily business, I would say "Love and gratitude" whenever I happened to think of them. After a while, I started saying it more like a blessing. "Love and gratitude for Michael" or "Love and gratitude for my writers' group" in a litany. (I even did this when I was mad at Michael - aren't I good?) It feels very good to say those words. Am I praying? I don't know. I try to visualize love and gratitude in my body, coursing through my bloodstream when I say it for myself; I try to imagine it flowing from me to the people I say the words for when I am thinking of others.

I also met with a spiritual adviser, and friend of long-standing, named Rita who helped me to think of some was to reconnect spiritually with my inner goddess/mystery/life. That has been helpful, too. And guess what? Some very lovely things have happened in my life and the lives of people I care about. I am not drawing conclusion here, but I'm not about to stop saying "Love and gratitude" either.

What are those nice things, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

A producer called me Sunday and asked if she could book my play "Like Fish Swimming Through Rock" for a month next October. Her production company is In The Wings Productions in Houston and she loves my play. It just so happens that she performed in a major role in the play when it was work-shopped several years ago in the Edward Albee New Play Series at the University of Houston. And now she's a producer. How lovely!! I love this play and I am truly pleased that it will get its premiere next fall. Hope you can come.

The other wonderful news was tonight when my son called to say that he had received the Phi Theta Kappa (honor society) scholarship at Tulane University as a transfer student. I am very proud of him. He is not a graduating senior. He did that several years ago and went off to college once before with a fabulous scholarship. But he wasn't ready for the commitment and dropped out. Two years ago, he found his own path, went to community college while working full time, and got inducted into the Phi Theta Kappa honor society along the way. All with no financial help from us. He will get his AA degree in May and then go on to complete his bachelor's degree. It has been his own effort along his own path and I think he will be just as terrific in the future as he has been these last few years. Go, Nick!!!

It would be nice if this good karma would trickle into Michael's job search soon. They do say good things happen in threes.

Anyway, I am going to try to get back in the Blogger saddle and write regularly again.

Oh, and BTW, the occlusion in the vein of my left eye is still there, but getting smaller, which makes it easier to read and focus. Love and gratitude to my eyes for working at all; I really appreciate them.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for 'love and gratitude.'

And I read your blog. Not always, but often.